A Word

Bipolar
A word. A term.
By Definition: bipolar is characterized by having manic and depressive episodes.
But,
All you hear. Is. A. Word.
You
don’t see a person
You
don’t hear a story
You.
Don’t.
Even.
See.
A.
Face.
All you hear, is a word.

You tell her she’s pretty.
You tell her you want to meet and you want to go on a date.
She says okay, and she finally lets you in
She agrees to go on a date, but first says, I am…..
And all you hear
is a word.
You fade away into a ghost.
You left. Forever. Because all you could hear, is a word.
She’s Pretty. Smart. Caring.  A Teacher. Compassionate.
But to you,
All she will ever be, is a word.
Bipolar. Characterized by manic and depressive episodes.

She is so much more than a word!

 

Waiting for my Happily Ever After

“I’m not waiting for a Prince, I’m waiting for the person who thinks I’m their Princess.”

This quote right here speaks so true to my life! So anybody who knows me knows that I am basically a hopeless romantic, and that I absolutely HATE the modern dating world. I just don’t understand it. It’s super difficult to meet somebody in person, and half the time when you do it doesn’t work out. Then you have online dating, which has gone down hill over the last few years. It used to be where people actually read about who you are and what you like, now almost all of them have a “swipe left or swipe right” option. Yeah I guess that’s good because you have to be attracted to somebody to want to date them, but how is swiping right going to tell you about a person. Half of the conversations are “Wanna hang?” or “kik?” Like no, .I’m sorry…I don’t. Can you actually get to know me? The other half are basically just asking for friends with benefits because they, “Don’t really date.” So you are telling me you  are between the ages of 25 and 40 and you aren’t looking to date? I mean that is completely fine, but I am to the age where sometime in the next five to ten years I would like to get married.  People don’t ask each other on dates anymore. Like hello, all I want is to go on a walk, or maybe dinner…just get to know you. But things aren’t ever considered a “date”. Everything is “hanging out.” How am I supposed to know if you are interested or not if we are “hanging out”. Or why are you getting mad at me when I didn’t realize we were on a date. I realize I am part of this generation, but I really am not okay with the modern dating world. It’s so messed up on so many levels.  Now don’t get me wrong. I’m not rushing to be in a relationship, I just don’t understand how you are to find anybody.
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Now you may think I’m probably too picky. People tell me all of the time that I need to stop being so darn picky because I’m turning away all the nice ones and I’m keeping the losers. (Yeah…I have heard this soooo many times over the last few years.) There are so many issues with this statement. You are not in a person’s mind, you cannot see the conversations between them, and you don’t know what happens behind closed doors. That guy who seems so perfect, the one who goes to church every Sunday, who has a full-time job, and volunteers all the time…he may be a complete asshole. While that person who doesn’t look as nice and who some view as “scary”, the one who didn’t go to college may be the sweetest, most loving person in the world. So please do everybody a favor, and don’t judge a book by a cover. When the time is right the right person will come along.
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I know what I am looking for. Just because I haven’t dated in six years does not mean that I have not gone on dates in those six years. It does not mean I have pushed every single person away in those six years. It doesn’t mean I haven’t talked to people in those six years. Hell, it doesn’t even mean I haven’t fallen in love in those six years. It just means that in those six years I have not found somebody that I want to spend the rest of my life with. Or maybe I have, and they didn’t want to spend the rest of their life with me, which simply means they weren’t the right one. I know what I want, and I know what I don’t want.
I don’t want somebody who won’t accept every single one of my flaws.
I don’t want somebody who can be super sweet in public, and treat me like crap, and mentally abuse me behind closed doors.
I don’t want somebody who will bring me down more than they bring me up.
I don’t want somebody who tells me who I can and can’t be friends with.
BUT….I do want somebody who….
Will love me for me.
I DO want somebody who accepts every single thing about me, and I accept them. The over-texting, over-reacting, over-thinking person I am.
I DO want somebody who accepts my Disney obsession, and is okay with Disney decor in our house, Disney dates, movie marathons, and a Disney themed wedding.
I DO want somebody who is okay with cheesy couple things like matching couples shirts, and weekly date nights.
I DO want somebody who will be there by my side when I am having a panic attack because of the amount of people. Who will accept that I may want to leave someplace sooner rather than later.
I DO want somebody who will hold me when I’m crying, and will be there no matter what.
I DO want somebody who will support my dreams, and I support theirs.
I DO want somebody who will be my best friend and I be theirs, and we will accept all of each others friends. We should be okay with them, no matter what the past is, since it is in the past.
Lastly, I DO want somebody who will love me until death do us part, and who I will love until then as well. Somebody to grow old with, have a family with, and share every moment with.
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So until then, I am okay with waiting. People say all the time that I am “wasting time”, or that “I’m too picky”. Yeah I may be too picky, but I know what I want, and I am happy waiting until I find them. But, when I do find them if others do not accept them, no matter what their age, race, or background is then no matter who you are, you are not worth it. If you cannot accept the person that I love, and the person whom I want to spend the rest of my life with, then you truly have no place in my life. A person’s age or race does not classify who they are. I do not talk to people because they fit this one stereotypical person that I “should” marry. Anybody who knows the people I have talked to over the past few years knows that I generally do not talk to your stereotypical middle class white guy who works a 9-5 job and has a college degree and blah blah blah. Anybody who truly knows me, knows that’s just not the person I usually fall for. I’m sorry but I don’t want to end up living in freaking Wisteria Lane. That’s not me, and that’s not the person I want to be. So for future reference….when I find the person who I want to be with forever, don’t be shocked by who they are, how they look or what they do, just support us, and be there along the way.
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“Maybe I haven’t met my Prince Charming, but I have met dozens of toads who taught me how to rescue myself,  dozens of fairy godmothers who taught me to believe in myself, and dozens of magical moments that taught me to never give up on myself.”
-Mandy Hale

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Drowning in a Sea of People

Walking through a sea of people, everything starts to get smaller, your heart is beating faster. It’s getting hard to breathe and you are fighting back tears. Your body is shaking. You just want a way out.
To some of you this probably sounds way too close to home, and to others you are probably rolling your eyes saying, “She’s exaggerating.” Anybody who truly knows me, knows I absolutely love theme parks…BUT they also know to leave me alone while I am exiting them or if I am in a section with way too many people. I completely shut down. I go from laughing and having fun, to almost bawling in .5 seconds.
Well recently I encountered something that really bothered me, which I’ve gotten before, but this time it was a little too close to home…
When I was recently at the theme park I was with two people. One of these goes to the park with me often and knows the signs of when I am going to completely shut down, the other person hasn’t really been with me recently, and their reaction is more of a “You’re being dramatic”, or in a picking on me tone, “They are just people…there aren’t that many.” To be honest this made things ten million times worst.
This is the first time I’ve talked about this or written about this. But this is very important for others to see. If somebody says they have anxiety or social anxiety, do NOT jump to conclusions that somebody is overreacting! Please be there for that person who is clearly a mess and having a mental breakdown. If you are with them some place and they say they need to leave…LET THEM LEAVE!
Please, please, please do not push them to stay and then a half hour later ask them why they aren’t talking and have zoned out.
You NEED to show them you love them.
You NEED to show them you care!
It is very important to be there when the person needs space.
Sometimes we do things we can’t explain. Speaking personally I overthink way too much, I will overtext, and my mood will go from happiest person on the Earth to complete shut down in less than 5 seconds. BUT….I have friends who have proven to me that they are there for me no matter what.
So if you are the friend or family member of somebody with anxiety do not give up on them! Do not judge them if they need a mental health day, or if they need to leave a party early or if they don’t want to go out. Offer to stay in and watch movies or something instead. Just be there for them.
If you are the person who has anxiety, remember that you are NOT alone. There are others out there just like you. Find people to surround yourself with who love you and care for you. Surround yourself with those who won’t be mad if you ask if you can stay in instead. Surround yourself with those who will distract your mind while exiting a theme park instead of making it ten times worst.
No matter what, know that you are loved and cared for and you are not in this alone!

 

Transformation Tuesday <3 *trigger warning*

So being today is Tuesday, I figured I would write about my transformation. So every week I see friends on my social media posting about their transformations. Many of these are men and women who have lost a ton of weight over a period of time. Well, today I realized that your transformation doesn’t necessarily have to be be a physical change. Yes, I am currently on my fitness journey, but I have only lost about 8 or 9 pounds at this point. BUT if you look at my transformation over the past few years on my personality and my self-esteem…woah mama. I have come quite a ways.

Let us time travel back to my junior and senior year of high school…we are going back to 2010 and 2011. So…take a walk with me. We pull up to a building with pillars like the Colosseum, large white pillars, and behind those lie three sets of double doors. We enter through the middle door, and walk down a dark hallway, that has some posters and announcements on the wall. At the end of the hall we turn right, and go up a set of stairs. We get to the top. To our right is a stage, and we can see red lockers on the other end, to our left is a set of blue lockers, with loud teenagers swearing, making out, and causing all kinds of ruckus. We end up going towards the blue lockers. About half way down the hall we see this young girl, about 16 or 17 years old, she has a dark blue long sleeved shirt on, or maybe it is black, black and pink earrings, hair that falls just below her chin, bangs covering one eye, and on the eye that we can see dark make-up that looks like she just got out of the pool.  She is embraced in the arms of a young man who is 17 or 18. Scruffy beard, glasses, and an oversized hoodie. He draws her near, brushes her hair out of her face, and kisses her forehead. She partially smiles, and grabs his hand as they start to walk toward the stage. But wait a minute…did you see that?? She pulled her sleeve down, and is holding her sleeve as they walk, it’s covering 6 to 10 cuts she made the night before. He didn’t think anything of it…it seemed like a normal routine for him. ***Now let’s stop for a minute…why on Earth would this beautiful girl, do such a thing. Why would her boyfriend…I’m assuming that’s who this guy is….wouldn’t say anything. Hmmm… let’s keep watching.*** As they walk hand in hand they get to another locker, he plays around with the lock, and opens his locker. She continues to stand there and just be quiet. A group of three guys come up to him, and say, “Hey man, did you see Shannon today? She looks hot…are we smoking later?” He responds, “Her ass looks great with those heels. Yeah…I’m assuming she (talking about the young blonde next to him) won’t be smoking….so I guess I’ll have to take her home or have her find her own way home, then I’ll join ya.” She continues to stare at the floor as these guys just walk slowly walk away laughing. She slowly looks up, and says so in almost a whisper, “Do I not matter to you? Why would you say those things?” She knew this was a bad idea, since he likes to cause scenes. He looks around (she knew what was coming, he was making sure no adults were around…that the teachers were nowhere in sight). He yells, loud enough for every person around to hear, “Stop being a f***ing bitch you dumb c*nt. I love you, and you know that, but stop acting like a bitch and wanting to be the center of attention.” He then whispers in her ear so only she can hear, “Now put on a smile, we don’t need anybody asking questions…hmm..or maybe if you cause too much of a scene I will just tell everybody why you always wear long sleeves.” He pulls her in, kisses her, and they part ways as they are going to class.  She knows they have wasted two of the three minutes to get to class. As she quickly rushes down the hall, she can hear the laughter as she just stares at the floor, holding back tears the whole way, and quickly finds her class, so she can sign out to use the restroom. She takes her bag with her…knowing this will allow her roughly 5 minutes instead of two minutes in the bathroom. Once she is in the stall she starts bawling, opens up her bookbag, and pulls out a sharp necklace. She uses this to slowly pierce her skin, she sees the blood, and a look of relief crosses her face. After a few seconds of watching this drop of crimson red run down her arm, she wipes it, puts the necklace away, and decides it is time to go back to class. She looks in the mirror, fixes her make-up, and puts on a smile, and heads back to class. Every day, day in, and day out this is what her life has become. It is almost as if she is running on auto pilot. It is the same thing every day.

Wow…what did we just watch? Why on Earth would somebody live like that…well the reality is, I lived that life for all of high school. It became a constant reality of my life. It was a cry out for help. Many people found out about my self harming, but lying became a way of my life. It was so easy for people to believe, “It was only one time.” Little did all these people know, it was from my freshman year of high school until my senior year of college. So 7 or 8 years of my life. It’s weird to think…your “best friend”, or your daughter, or son, or co-worker….that person you think you know so much about….there is a large chance you don’t know their inner struggles at all. But…let’s keep going. Remember, this is about my transformation…not a pitty party.

Anyways…let’s jump forward to current day. Quick re-cap of 2011-2016. Well graduation happened…yay. Now college time. Parents didn’t want me to go away, I did anyways…argued all the time about that. Felt like a failure. Shitty friends. One good friend, but he gave me tough love I didn’t want to hear.  Partied too much. Failed out of college. Wrote college, explained grandma died during finals. Let back into college. Realized holy freaking crap…I need to straighten my life out. Join service fraternity, too much drama, left fraternity, joined, left. Best friend goes to jail. Starts weekly individual and group counseling. Realize holy crap I’ve let this screw up my life. Starts student teaching. Told I am not a great teacher. Graduates with a “pointless” degree. Moves to Disney. Gets teaching job. Okay…we will start here. Wait…what?? You got a teaching job after you were told by many people you shouldn’t be a teacher? YUP! And I had a successful first year!

So….fast forward 6 months after I got my teaching job. We are going to travel again. Only this time to an amusement park.  We go down a side street, and see this girl with blonde hair that falls about mid-way down her back, sunglasses on her face, patiently waiting. She meets the person she is waiting for. Both of them hug, although they have just met, and walk together laughing, and smiling towards a bar to meet all of these people who would later become friends. Once their journey begins, the two of them are laughing, and introducing themselves. Hugs all around. ***Now wait a minute…are you as confused as I am? This girl who could barely look at and touch her boyfriend is now smiling and laughing with strangers? WHOA!!!*** As the day continues she meets so many more people. One person in particular catches her eye. The two of them flirt, and laugh, and later hold hands. Although a few weeks later they have decided they are better as friends. It doesn’t affect her. She just enjoys all of these people’s company. She goes out of her way to make others happy. She is messaging people who she hasn’t talked to in years to see how they are. She has a smile on her face, and is genuinely happy.

You may think there is no way possible that the first person and the second person could be the same person. Not in only five to ten years. Well they are. And, let me tell you one thing. The moment that you realize that this is your life, and that you can make a difference, and live your life for you, is the moment everything falls in place. If you feel you need help, don’t wait for others…get yourself the help you need. If you need a change in friends, slowly push them away…it will be better for both of you. Don’t “fall in love” with any old person. You don’t want somebody in your life who treats you like shit. He/she should be treating you like royalty. Above all else LIVE YOUR OWN LIFE!!! Do NOT let others run your life. When you start to finally see the positive in everything, instead of the negative, you will begin to love yourself, and be truly happy.

You Wonder

You wonder why I am how I am.

Cold.

Blah.

No emotions.

You wonder why I am how I am.

Quiet.

Shy.

Anti-social.

You wonder why I am how I am.

You.

are.

the reason.

I am.

how,

I am.

You lied.

You cheated.

You bailed.

I don’t look forward to much.

You

made plans.

Every weekend.

Then…

you cancelled.

You called me your friend.

I believed you.

I believed the lies.

I believed we would be

best

friends

forever.

You lied.

You are the reason…

I am.

Who I am.

Hope

Depression. A word that many do not understand. A word that others understand every moment of every day. A word that suffocates, and encloses a person. Sometimes it’s hard to make people understand. It’s easier to pretend that everything is okay. A smile is easier than explaining. Or having somebody feel sorry for you. Or telling you it will get better. Yeah…it may get better but, it won’t go away. It will come back. However, a strong support system is what can help you get through. Sometimes I get down about having no friends, but then I remember that the friends I do have accept me for me. Find something you like. Do not let depression win. You can get through it. Yes some days are better than others, but remember that each day is a fresh start. Push on, and try to forget what happened. It will get better. It will just take time, a good support system, and sometimes an amazing counselor or group therapy. In the end…there will be a light at the end of the tunnel that will seem like it is getting closer and closer.