The Reoccurring Storm

***Note: I wrote this to allow others a brief look into the struggles of one whom struggles with anxiety, depression, bipolar, or any other mental illness on a daily basis. I hope this helps you to understand a little more of what somebody is going through.***

The ocean is moving slowly. Calm. It looks almost as if you can walk on it. Small gentle waves. The sun glistening down touch your face. You feel the warmth and a gentle smile crosses your face.

Taking in the world around you. Hearing the birds chirping, hearing kids laughing and playing, kids playing volleyball on the beach. You can feel the sand as your feet gently slide in and out of it as you head towards the water. You see a couple flirting and having fun as they walk hand in hand down the shore. You’re so thankful for this beautiful day and the world around you.

You’re so thankful for just a moment of happiness and peacefulness.

Just as you’re about to enjoy the feel of the cool water on your skin you look up.

The sky has turned a dark gray with clouds that have a look of anger amongst them. The sound of laughter has been replaced with crashing waves and a windy that feels as if you’ll blow away.

Looking out at the water it looks angry. The waves are growing bigger and louder and you feel as if you’re frozen in time. It feels as if you’re out there drowning in the sea.

Plink. Plunk. Plink. Plink. Plunk.

The sound of the sky crying.

You’re brought back to reality as the rain starts to rush from the sky and cover you completely.

All you can think of is what just happened? Where am I? Where is my car?

You start running towards shelter.

You’re almost there.

It seems so close but you’re out of breath. You’re scared to take one more step. All you can see is the rain.

Finally you reach your car. You slowly start to open the door but you’re body is trembling. You still feel as if you’re drowning.

You get in and sit down and close your eyes tight. You can hear the plink plunk plink of the rain attacking the top of your vehicle. Hoping this storm will pass.

Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in. Breathe out.

You hear silence.

You open your eyes. The sun is trying to peek its head out through the clouds.

Slowly you open your door and feel a cool breeze brush against your skin.

You look around and see children chasing each other and hear laughter in the distance.

Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in. Breathe out. You look out at the ocean and see that a rainbow has formed over top of the ocean.

You tell yourself that everything will be okay. The storm has come and gone and will some days return, but for today you have overcome that storm and it will be a good day.

Is teaching for me?

It’s almost midnight. And I’m lying in bed just thinking about my past four years.

So just a warning. I have absolutely no idea where this blog post is going, since it will literally just be me blogging at 12am, I probably won’t even edit this, and will just post it.

I moved to Florida about 4 years ago. Actually, originally I worked at Disney and then I got a teaching job. That’s when I decided to stay for a while. The past few years have been a roller coaster ride for sure.

I wasn’t quite sure where this would go, but let’s talk about that thing called a job. So I started teaching fifth grade when I moved to Florida. And I absolutely hated it. I was only about 22 or 23, but the kids treated me horribly. That year, I thought I was done. I didn’t know what I was doing. I felt like a failure and worthless. But I remembered that everybody has a rough first year. But I still have several notes from my kids that year, saying how much they appreciated me and that I had made a difference in their lives. That’s really what teaching is about anyways right? About making a difference in others lives?

The next couple of years I taught younger children. I taught second grade and then kindergarten and absolutely fell in love with it. I realized that working with children is something that I wanted to do. I realized this was for me. Watching the amount of growth a child makes from the beginning of the year to the end of the year is absolutely amazing.

This year however was a little different. This was my fourth year of teaching but probably my most challenging. You probably wonder how could things get worst with more experience? Well this past year I was challenged in ways I’ve never been before. Just a reminder I taught kindergarteners. These kids were absolutely amazing, very sweet, but boy did they challenge me. Weekly fights, kids swearing at each other, bullying, and just being down right nasty. Never in a million years did I think this would be happening in kindergarten. Well, I worked day in and day out, with parents, students, admin, and my coworkers to figure something out. It was middle of March, last day before spring break, and we made all kinds of plans to have a successful rest of the school year. I stayed a little longer on that last day. Arranging my desks in a circle so that we could be a family, wiping down and cleaning every part of that classroom, and putting my papers for after break in the correct piles. I turned my lights off, locked the door, and told my classroom that I would see it in a week.

Boy was I wrong.

That week turned into two weeks.

Then a month.

Two months.

The rest of the school year.

Teaching on a computer? That challenged me for sure. It challenged me to see if this was really for me. The more time I had, the more questions I started asking myself.

Is teaching for me? Is Florida for me? Who even am I? These questions have continued to run through my mind. I’ve thought and thought about all of this and I have decided…

Well, I have decided that it’s a lot of information, and it will have to be in my next blog post. 🙂 I promise it will come soon. I’m just tired and needed to get some things out.

Goals, NOT resolutions

As I was scrolling through my timeline on Facebook, I came across a post talking about setting goals for the new year. As I was reading this person’s post, I realized that we generally set resolutions and not goals. This person made a point to state how we should set 12 goals, one for each month. As I was reading, I began thinking about my past years and why I never follow through with anything that I want to do. I realized, one of my reasons is I always have just one goal and it is usually “get healthy”, “lose weight”, or something else along those lines. So after reading her post I decided to set my own list of 20 goals. With setting goals you will have more success than just one big resolution. Think of it as a bucket list for the new year. Maybe you are wondering what kinds of goals can you set? Well I am going to share my 20 goals for the new year and why I picked each of these things. Some of them are big, some are small, some are fun, and some are important. It doesn’t matter what your goals are, just as long as they are reachable for you. Here are my 20 goals for 2020:

  1. Fall in love with myself
    My first goal is to fall in love with myself. If you are unable to love yourself, it will make it very difficult to love others.  In order to accomplish this goal, I plan to listen to positive affirmations, personal development, and work out regularly. These are things that everybody should be doing, but most people have a difficult time putting themselves first. This should be on the top of our list, it is so important to take care of yourself.
  2. Read the Bible in a year
    I have always wanted to read through the entire Bible in a year. I have started, but I usually only get through about half. There is so much I want to read and learn about, but I never get through the whole book because I just stop trying or I am “too busy.” I have realized, how can you truly have a relationship with Jesus Christ if you don’t know a ton about him or the background of your faith. There are so many times I have heard names or verses or stories and realized that I have never actually read about them. I would like to dig deeper and truly know the whole book.
  3. Pay off credit cards
    This is so important for everybody to do. Especially if you are wanting to buy a house, you need decent credit, and if your credit card balances are too high, with the interest, if you continue to use them, it will become very difficult to pay them off. This is one of the first things I need to do before I can even think about buying a house.
  4. Volunteer more
    Over the past year I started to volunteer a lot more at Give Kids the World (GKTW). This is a village that is for Make a Wish families and other similar organizations to stay there while their wish of going somewhere in Central Florida is being granted. I lost my cousin to cancer when she was around 13 years old, and she was never able to have her wish. So this is why I volunteer. I love seeing the look on a families face when I’ve made their vacation special. My goal is to volunteer more over the next year. I love to be able to make a difference in other people’s lives. Whether it be at GKTW or volunteering at church, I think it is very important to volunteer to make a difference in others lives.
  5. Start playing piano again
    Music is one of the things that has made a difference in my life. Over the past 8 years I have turned away from piano and music in general. This has always been a way that I expressed myself. One goal for the new year is to begin playing piano again.
  6. Cook more
    Over the past year I have started to eat out a lot more than usual just due to time. My goal is to cook more. I would save so much money, and be able to lose weight if I cooked more and ate out less.
  7. Visit all 4 Disney parks in one day
    One thing I have just always wanted to visit all four Disney parks in the same day. In each park I plan to do at least one ride, see one character, walk all the way around the park, and eat one thing in each park.
  8. Travel some place I have never been
    There are so many places that I have never been. I have never visited a good portion of the United States, and there are many countries that I would love to visit as well. I just want to travel some place new this year.
  9. Go on at least one date a month
    This year I would like to go on at least one date a month. This could be a date with myself, friends, or somebody I am interested in. I would like to just be more social this year, and get to know different people.
  10. Read at least 15 books
    I have not been able to actually read in a long time. My goal is to read at least 15 books this year. So often, I read only books for my students and I never get a chance to read books that I enjoy.
  11. Cancel cable
    For the past year I have said that I have needed to cancel cable. If I cancel cable it will give me so much time to do so much more. I will be able to save money, and be able to have time to do other things besides just watching tv.
  12. Clean out my apartment
    In the next year I would like to move. In order to do that, I will have to start cleaning my apartment out. I have so much stuff that I don’t necessarily need. I want to work on my apartment so that when it is time to move, I don’t have so much stuff that needs to go with me.
  13. Go to job interviews
    I absolutely love where I currently work, however, with moving comes looking for new jobs. I may also be looking for a part time job to help me move towards reaching my goals. Either way, going to interviews is great experience when it comes to getting a job.
  14. Move somewhere new
    I have enjoyed living in Florida, but I think it is time for my next adventure. I’m not quite sure where this adventure will take me, but I will know where is right for me when the time comes.
  15. Find a hobby that I truly enjoy
    It has been a long time since I have found something that I actually enjoy doing. I want to explore new things and try them out and see what I enjoy. I want to find something I truly enjoy doing, so I would like to try all kinds of different things out.
  16. Start a savings account
    This is one of the biggest things that will help me with my future. Having a savings account will help me move forward to reach my goals!
  17. Go without social media for at least a month
    I have recently seen that social media has just created too much drama, comparisons, and honestly it is a time waster. My goal for this year is to go without social media for at least a month. I have already said a time limit to only use social media apps for a total of three hours. Thinking about the past year, I have spent so much time on social media, watching tv, and watching YouTube. It is time to start moving forward!
  18. Visit the beach more
    I love the beach, but I never go. My goal is to go to the beach more, especially if I am going to be moving at some point. I want to be able to get out and explore and see all that God has created.
  19. Go to one concert or show I have always wanted to go to
    Each year, I generally see the same people year after year. This year I want to try to see somebody new. Whether it be a play or a concert. I want to be able to see a concert or show I have never seen before.
  20. Fall in love
    Lastly, I want to fall in love. Now you may be thinking, “You don’t choose that”, you’re right…but as I told my best friend, it could be falling in love with a hobby, a place, or a person. It doesn’t necessarily have to be romantic. I just want to have a love for something. Allow myself to love and not to just push everything away. I am open to anything this year.

Overall, no matter what…this is going to be your year! I shared my goals to help you see how easy it is to set a number of goals instead of just resolutions. If you’re anything like me, you set the same resolution year after year, and you always fail.  This year, by setting a number of goals it will help you to stay on track and to be successful in the upcoming year! I hope you are able to accomplish everything that you dream of!

2020 will be your year!

Waiting for my Happily Ever After

“I’m not waiting for a Prince, I’m waiting for the person who thinks I’m their Princess.”

This quote right here speaks so true to my life! So anybody who knows me knows that I am basically a hopeless romantic, and that I absolutely HATE the modern dating world. I just don’t understand it. It’s super difficult to meet somebody in person, and half the time when you do it doesn’t work out. Then you have online dating, which has gone down hill over the last few years. It used to be where people actually read about who you are and what you like, now almost all of them have a “swipe left or swipe right” option. Yeah I guess that’s good because you have to be attracted to somebody to want to date them, but how is swiping right going to tell you about a person. Half of the conversations are “Wanna hang?” or “kik?” Like no, .I’m sorry…I don’t. Can you actually get to know me? The other half are basically just asking for friends with benefits because they, “Don’t really date.” So you are telling me you  are between the ages of 25 and 40 and you aren’t looking to date? I mean that is completely fine, but I am to the age where sometime in the next five to ten years I would like to get married.  People don’t ask each other on dates anymore. Like hello, all I want is to go on a walk, or maybe dinner…just get to know you. But things aren’t ever considered a “date”. Everything is “hanging out.” How am I supposed to know if you are interested or not if we are “hanging out”. Or why are you getting mad at me when I didn’t realize we were on a date. I realize I am part of this generation, but I really am not okay with the modern dating world. It’s so messed up on so many levels.  Now don’t get me wrong. I’m not rushing to be in a relationship, I just don’t understand how you are to find anybody.
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Now you may think I’m probably too picky. People tell me all of the time that I need to stop being so darn picky because I’m turning away all the nice ones and I’m keeping the losers. (Yeah…I have heard this soooo many times over the last few years.) There are so many issues with this statement. You are not in a person’s mind, you cannot see the conversations between them, and you don’t know what happens behind closed doors. That guy who seems so perfect, the one who goes to church every Sunday, who has a full-time job, and volunteers all the time…he may be a complete asshole. While that person who doesn’t look as nice and who some view as “scary”, the one who didn’t go to college may be the sweetest, most loving person in the world. So please do everybody a favor, and don’t judge a book by a cover. When the time is right the right person will come along.
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I know what I am looking for. Just because I haven’t dated in six years does not mean that I have not gone on dates in those six years. It does not mean I have pushed every single person away in those six years. It doesn’t mean I haven’t talked to people in those six years. Hell, it doesn’t even mean I haven’t fallen in love in those six years. It just means that in those six years I have not found somebody that I want to spend the rest of my life with. Or maybe I have, and they didn’t want to spend the rest of their life with me, which simply means they weren’t the right one. I know what I want, and I know what I don’t want.
I don’t want somebody who won’t accept every single one of my flaws.
I don’t want somebody who can be super sweet in public, and treat me like crap, and mentally abuse me behind closed doors.
I don’t want somebody who will bring me down more than they bring me up.
I don’t want somebody who tells me who I can and can’t be friends with.
BUT….I do want somebody who….
Will love me for me.
I DO want somebody who accepts every single thing about me, and I accept them. The over-texting, over-reacting, over-thinking person I am.
I DO want somebody who accepts my Disney obsession, and is okay with Disney decor in our house, Disney dates, movie marathons, and a Disney themed wedding.
I DO want somebody who is okay with cheesy couple things like matching couples shirts, and weekly date nights.
I DO want somebody who will be there by my side when I am having a panic attack because of the amount of people. Who will accept that I may want to leave someplace sooner rather than later.
I DO want somebody who will hold me when I’m crying, and will be there no matter what.
I DO want somebody who will support my dreams, and I support theirs.
I DO want somebody who will be my best friend and I be theirs, and we will accept all of each others friends. We should be okay with them, no matter what the past is, since it is in the past.
Lastly, I DO want somebody who will love me until death do us part, and who I will love until then as well. Somebody to grow old with, have a family with, and share every moment with.
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So until then, I am okay with waiting. People say all the time that I am “wasting time”, or that “I’m too picky”. Yeah I may be too picky, but I know what I want, and I am happy waiting until I find them. But, when I do find them if others do not accept them, no matter what their age, race, or background is then no matter who you are, you are not worth it. If you cannot accept the person that I love, and the person whom I want to spend the rest of my life with, then you truly have no place in my life. A person’s age or race does not classify who they are. I do not talk to people because they fit this one stereotypical person that I “should” marry. Anybody who knows the people I have talked to over the past few years knows that I generally do not talk to your stereotypical middle class white guy who works a 9-5 job and has a college degree and blah blah blah. Anybody who truly knows me, knows that’s just not the person I usually fall for. I’m sorry but I don’t want to end up living in freaking Wisteria Lane. That’s not me, and that’s not the person I want to be. So for future reference….when I find the person who I want to be with forever, don’t be shocked by who they are, how they look or what they do, just support us, and be there along the way.
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“Maybe I haven’t met my Prince Charming, but I have met dozens of toads who taught me how to rescue myself,  dozens of fairy godmothers who taught me to believe in myself, and dozens of magical moments that taught me to never give up on myself.”
-Mandy Hale

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Drowning in a Sea of People

Walking through a sea of people, everything starts to get smaller, your heart is beating faster. It’s getting hard to breathe and you are fighting back tears. Your body is shaking. You just want a way out.
To some of you this probably sounds way too close to home, and to others you are probably rolling your eyes saying, “She’s exaggerating.” Anybody who truly knows me, knows I absolutely love theme parks…BUT they also know to leave me alone while I am exiting them or if I am in a section with way too many people. I completely shut down. I go from laughing and having fun, to almost bawling in .5 seconds.
Well recently I encountered something that really bothered me, which I’ve gotten before, but this time it was a little too close to home…
When I was recently at the theme park I was with two people. One of these goes to the park with me often and knows the signs of when I am going to completely shut down, the other person hasn’t really been with me recently, and their reaction is more of a “You’re being dramatic”, or in a picking on me tone, “They are just people…there aren’t that many.” To be honest this made things ten million times worst.
This is the first time I’ve talked about this or written about this. But this is very important for others to see. If somebody says they have anxiety or social anxiety, do NOT jump to conclusions that somebody is overreacting! Please be there for that person who is clearly a mess and having a mental breakdown. If you are with them some place and they say they need to leave…LET THEM LEAVE!
Please, please, please do not push them to stay and then a half hour later ask them why they aren’t talking and have zoned out.
You NEED to show them you love them.
You NEED to show them you care!
It is very important to be there when the person needs space.
Sometimes we do things we can’t explain. Speaking personally I overthink way too much, I will overtext, and my mood will go from happiest person on the Earth to complete shut down in less than 5 seconds. BUT….I have friends who have proven to me that they are there for me no matter what.
So if you are the friend or family member of somebody with anxiety do not give up on them! Do not judge them if they need a mental health day, or if they need to leave a party early or if they don’t want to go out. Offer to stay in and watch movies or something instead. Just be there for them.
If you are the person who has anxiety, remember that you are NOT alone. There are others out there just like you. Find people to surround yourself with who love you and care for you. Surround yourself with those who won’t be mad if you ask if you can stay in instead. Surround yourself with those who will distract your mind while exiting a theme park instead of making it ten times worst.
No matter what, know that you are loved and cared for and you are not in this alone!


You Wonder

You wonder why I am how I am.



No emotions.

You wonder why I am how I am.




You wonder why I am how I am.



the reason.

I am.


I am.

You lied.

You cheated.

You bailed.

I don’t look forward to much.


made plans.

Every weekend.


you cancelled.

You called me your friend.

I believed you.

I believed the lies.

I believed we would be




You lied.

You are the reason…

I am.

Who I am.


Depression. A word that many do not understand. A word that others understand every moment of every day. A word that suffocates, and encloses a person. Sometimes it’s hard to make people understand. It’s easier to pretend that everything is okay. A smile is easier than explaining. Or having somebody feel sorry for you. Or telling you it will get better. Yeah…it may get better but, it won’t go away. It will come back. However, a strong support system is what can help you get through. Sometimes I get down about having no friends, but then I remember that the friends I do have accept me for me. Find something you like. Do not let depression win. You can get through it. Yes some days are better than others, but remember that each day is a fresh start. Push on, and try to forget what happened. It will get better. It will just take time, a good support system, and sometimes an amazing counselor or group therapy. In the end…there will be a light at the end of the tunnel that will seem like it is getting closer and closer.